help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
