I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
