I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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