I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
