I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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