No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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