Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
