I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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