sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
