I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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