My hand turned me down
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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