tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
