There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
