I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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