Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
