so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
