I want to make a zoo with you.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
