I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
