Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
