You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
