He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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