Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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