Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize