Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
