My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
we made out on top of his cat.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
