2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize