Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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