I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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