the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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