Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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