Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
