I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
