i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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