just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize