Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
