Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
