I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
