I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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