I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
