Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
