dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
