He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
