Your face is a jimmy john
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
just tell him i said nine months
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
