i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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