I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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