I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
