Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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