I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Blow job season was short but glorious.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
