remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
