I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
