Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
