Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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