we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He did a backflip because drugs
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
