When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
