it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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