If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
