Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize