Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
