Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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