I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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