I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
