Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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