I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
