well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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