Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
