I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
